Put that in your juice box and suck it

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 17:52:21 GMT

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together and then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes all at once.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question."

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 13:54:48 GMT

I think I have decided to make my journal friends only...

I am deleting a lot of people on my friend list... if you've been deleted, just ask back in. I...er... ok, the people who have been deleted, I wanted to give you the chance to not be my friend any longer...

So anyone who I deleted... I am sorry, and I still <3 all of you, but I had to do it, just to give you the chance to "get rid of me."

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 04:24:49 GMT

I am so tired of all this fucking shit! I need to talk to some kids, actually a lot of kids...

God, Alicia and Amanda K... will you two be my new best friends, b.c I really need them... please oh please!?!!? Considering everybody else has fucking screwed me over, I really wish I could talk to somebody without the entire fucking town hearing every word I've said.

Ya know, I have this belief, that it's not your fault if you were "caught talking about someone", it's the friends you told to's fault. I haven't been talking about anyone lately, yet, SOMEHOW, I've been caught. So, I've decided that maybe my friends aren't as great at I assumed they were... b.c either they took something out of context, or they are making shit up...

And I don't want a single damn comment saying how fucking wrong I was in this fucking entry... it's MY FUCKING JOURNAL!

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 20:46:41 GMT

I seriously thought YOU would be better then that. I feel so stupidly jealous, and I am beginning to think I am being replaced... maybe I wasn't ever "there" enough to be replaced. Fuck it... I don't care.

Anybody want to be my new best friend???

Ya know, I feel like there are people that I really wish I could know better. They seem like they aren't wrapped up in all this drama, I <3 that!!!

I need to make plans for next weekend... anybody free that would wanna hang out??

*anyone who might talk to Mandy .J., don't go and tell her I said all this about her, b.c this has absolutely nothing to do with her...she and I are still great friends...*

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 16:36:16 GMT

Hey everybody! this is how I want my ear peirced, so I want everyone to comment... I want it to be a bit lower though, so the bar would be longer...

From Pammie

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 20:07:48 GMT

when youre the best of friends
having so much fun together
youre not even aware
youre such a funny pair
youre the best of friends
lifes a happy game
you could clown around forever
neither one of you sees
your natural boundaries
lifes one happy game
if only the world wouldnt get in the way
if only people would just let you play
they say youre both being fools
youre breaking all the rules
they cant understand
the magic of your wonderland
when youre the best of friends
sharing all that you discover
when these moments have passed
will that friendship last?
who can say
theres a way?
oh i hope
i hope it never ends
cause youre the best of friends

I don't think friendships can ever last a "life time."
you keep them for as long as you need that person...
sometimes it is years and years, other only days.
So maybe my last post was me saying
"thanks for helping me out everyone, and I hope I helped you
I may not know that we no longer need eachother, but that
feeling will soon come, all in good time"

So thank you, to all those friends who stuck by me... and to those that are still around... I sincerely hope I helped all of you.

pick em'

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 23:32:13 GMT

Do yo guys like the background of beauty_lies_low

crazy_cat07 more???

I want everybody to vote

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 21:01:33 GMT

I should of left Winder when I had the chance, but no, I had to stay here b.c all my "great friends."

Now what?? all my friendships are fucking falling apart.

Anyone I like seems to hate Winder and everyone in it.

And anyone who I used to like I can't stand now... damn it, I would say lets go to AHS, but no... that wouldn't work out. B.c in five mintes I will have a million comments, I will feel bad for what I said, and realize that I was "wrong". But I now know something. The grass is always fucking greener on the other fucking side. I think I should just fucking ram the fence as hard as I fucking can. I will prob. die... but hey, that is always better then fucking winder

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 23:08:46 GMT

Today was a great day! I was asked why I don't go out with Zach, and I couldn't really give an answer... I mean, if it wasn't for Mandy would I go out with him??

Probably not...

Other that that, I have been working on my layout all day!!! it is some hard stuff, ya know?!?!? I really like it though.

I have Ashlee Simpson stuck in my head.

This was a realtively short LJ, but I am tired and wanna go sit down, so adios.

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 10:58:13 GMT

Hey everybody, just seeing if this is all working right...